McCullough Land

Conversation I overheard this morning while Phillip was getting Ellen dressed...she wanted to wear her new shoes (new to her, thanks Sara Jo). So as Phillip is putting the tennis shoes on, he was asking Ellen if she liked her new shoes. She was saying "yes" and "pretty". Phillip, in true competitive spirit said, "You're going to be able to run so fast in these shoes. Faster than all your friends." She was eating this up because she loves to run. Then he went on to name some of the kids in her class, "You're going to run faster than Charlie and Logan and all of the biters." It has been a couple weeks since the last incident, but there was a time she was getting bit almost every day.

Nothing like a good pep talk in the morning to get you ready to take on the day... even if you're only 2 years old. I have a feeling she won't get bit today :)

For the record, someone with my bad memory is probably not the best source for information... especially when trying to recall an event that happened a little more than 2 years ago. But, I am doing now what I should have done then. I am going to tell about the day Ellen was born (including other details I want to remember).

First, here is a little background information. Phillip and I found out we were pregnant in January 2007. I think I was about 6 weeks along. We had talked about having a baby, I was off the birth control pill and I had even been taking prenatal vitamins. We were not trying to have a baby, only in the planning stages. My doctor said it is good for the birth control to be out of the mother's system before conceiving, so we were using other protection and I decided to take the vitamins just in case. I had only ever used the pill for birth control and was wary of anything else. There were a few times I could have gotten pregnant and these times are 100% my fault. And I did indeed get pregnant. Two weeks before I found out I was with child, I told Phillip that I should get back on birth control since we didn't feel the need to have children (meaning we didn't really want children like other people really want children). I stopped taking the vitamins. I was going to call my doctor to get my prescription refilled. Life continued as normal.

*Rewind back several months... I have stomach issues. I have had issues for years. I went to the Minute Clinic at CVS one day on my lunch break because I was having a lot of pain and I was getting worried. I was told they didn't treat stomach problems and was asked if I could possibly be pregnant. I knew I should not be, but I bought a pack of 3 pregnancy tests anyway. The test came back negative as we thought it would. I kept the other tests.

Back to January of 2007... my period was a little late and I said to Phillip something along the lines of, "Wouldn't it be funny if I was pregnant?" He said I should take one of the tests. And so I did and it was positive. And it wasn't funny. And I cried. And they were not tears of joy. I remember Phillip was at the computer and I was only a few feet away in our downstairs bathroom. I was in total shock, we both were. After I collected myself, I called my mom and told her the news. My dad and sister were in West Virginia visiting my Grandmother so they were told a couple days later. Phillip told his family. I think everyone was excited for us.

I did not know how far along I was. I started taking the vitamins again and made an appointment to see my doctor. I think I was 10 weeks along when I went to that first appointment. He confirmed I was pregnant and told me my due date was September 3rd.

I had a lot of sickness during my first and second trimesters. I was miserable. I kept a big plastic bowl in the car with me. When Andrea was pregnant with Ashling she told me she kept a plastic container with a lid in the car in case she got sick. I must admit I thought that was a bit extreme. Little did I know I would end up doing the same thing. I threw up in Phillip's jacket once-it was all I had at the time. At work, I usually made it to the bathroom, but my trash can came in handy on more than one occasion. I would carry my trash can with me to the bathroom just in case I didn't make it. At home I kept a bowl and towels by the bed. I snacked to keep the nausea under control (hysterical laughter), but food was not appealing to me for the first time ever. Even a plain bagel from Panera would make my stomach flip.

My pregnancy was a very dark time in my life. I was not happy to be pregnant, I was sick, Phillip and I grew distant and did I mention I was not happy to be pregnant? It was as if once we decided for sure not to have kids, we were not going to have kids. Ever. I was good with that decision. I thought it was the right decision for us. So even though just a few short weeks before we had been preparing to let nature take its course, it was a total shock when I saw that plus sign on the pregnancy test. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what Phillip and I decided. I was mad. But God had other plans and it took me a long time to accept that.

In the meantime, a wonderful financial blessing came our way. Phillip got a new position at our company that came with a nice raise. The downside, he moved to a different location so we were no longer able to carpool. We had ridden to and from work together for almost 3 years and we ate lunch together 4 or 5 days a week (and talked to each other throughout the day and emailed back and forth). This was a big change for us. The extra income and great career opportunity made it all worth it. Without his increase in salary I do not know how we could afford daycare to this day.

Another blessing, I did not have any complications during my pregnancy. I did not fully appreciate this at the time because I felt so bad, but I am thankful all I had to deal with was the morning sickness. I gained 25 pounds. My appointments went well and everything seemed to be progressing nicely. We were excited to find out we were having a girl. Boy or girl would have been fine with us, but I was secretly hoping it was a girl. We thought about names and decided on Ellen after my maternal grandmother Eleanor (who was named after her aunt Ellen) and Catherine after Phillip's maternal grandmother. We decided not to name her Eleanor since the plan was to call her Ellen. We both like simple names. We did not keep the name a secret.

The blessings continued. We had 3 baby showers: my church in Winston-Salem (NC), the church we go to in Franklin (TN) and one at work. We are very appreciative of all the gifts we received. Phillip's home church in Charlotte gave us a very generous gift card to Target. Andrea and Caleb also passed along clothes and other baby gear that really helped us out. Even if you try to keep it simple, there is a lot of stuff that you need and it all adds up.

When we moved into our house in 2004, my dad painted one of our guest rooms a purple color that ended up being great for a girl's room. My parents said they wanted to buy us a crib and changing table (another blessing). My dad came in the Spring and we picked out the furniture and he and Phillip put it together. We got odds and ends for her room over time: curtains, mirror, shelf, bookshelf, pictures, rocking chair, gate to keep the dogs out, etc. And once we added several items from our registry, it became a fully functional nursery ready for Ellen to arrive.

My last day of work was Thursday, August 30th. This date was not planned in advance, but since we were going to be off Monday for Labor Day anyway, it made sense to go ahead and start my maternity leave. I would have worked that Friday, but I was approached by all the managers on Thursday afternoon and told not to come back - in a nice way, of course. So Friday I called my manager and asked her if they were serious about me not coming back. She said it was up to me. I decided not to go to work that day. I got my tags renewed (which had been weighing heavily on my mind) and did some odds and ends around the house. I can't remember what we did over that long Labor Day weekend.

At my last appointment, my doctor let me know that if I did not go into labor on my own I would be induced on September 11th. Just a few days later, one day after my due date, I was in the hospital.

On Tuesday, September 4th, Phillip went to work like normal. I had taken a shower and gotten dressed. Around 8:30 or 9:00 I called Phillip and told him I was in some pain. He said he was going to come home but I told him not to since he had just gotten to work and I hated for him to leave. Then a little later, not sure how long, I called him back and asked him to come home. Meanwhile I am walking around the house on my tip toes in a lot of pain. I remember being hot and sweaty and anxious for Phillip to come. I didn't remember this, but Phillip says when he got home I was outside of the garage with my suitcase waiting on him. The long drive to the hospital was very uncomfortable but also a little exciting. Once we got settled in, I found out I was dilated 4 centimeters and 80% effaced (I think). At some point I called my parents and they packed up and started on their 7 hour drive, give or take, to Nashville. We had a great nurse, Glenda, who happened to live near us and is also a member of the Church of Christ. She would have been my delivery nurse but she was also helping with another delivery and then her shift ended. She came by before she left to say good bye and good luck. I was disappointed Glenda was not going to be our nurse! But we ended up with another great nurse (whose name I don't remember) for the attempted delivery. While we were waiting for things to progress, Phillip and I hung out in the room and relaxed. Phillip hadn't eaten all day and ended up going to the cafeteria to get a late lunch - he ate BBQ and French fries right in front of me. That wasn't very nice. I am still a little bitter about that. This is where I am a little fuzzy on the details. Not sure when, but I got an epidural at some point. I remember that the girl who gave me the epidural kept coming back in the room to check on me. She would also ask me questions and try and make small talk. I don't know why this bothered me so much, maybe because I was in labor, but I eventually told the nurse to please not let that girl back into the room. We thought the baby would be born sometime late afternoon or early evening based on what the nurses were saying, but that didn't happen. The doctor had to break my water. Phillip was surprised by how much stuff there was. (Ellen had pooped. That would have been a concern if I had delivered her vaginally). Later in the evening, I started pushing. It was just me, Phillip and the nurse. It was quiet in the room and peaceful-not at all what I had envisioned it would be like. I could feel the contractions and I liked knowing when they were coming. I tried for 3 hours. My doctor came in to check me a few times during that time. Ellen's face was to the side and we were trying to get her to turn. He asked if I could push for 30 more minutes and I said yes. After 3 1/2 hours, and not enough progress, it was decided I should have a c-section. Ellen was fine, she just wasn't coming out. I felt defeated. I think all of the adrenaline and endorphins that had been keeping me going all of the sudden stopped and I kind of crashed. It is important to note that I was in high spirits all day. I was feeling good. But with the shift change and then the waiting, I was slowly losing my momentum. I think that if I had started to push earlier I could have delivered her vaginally. They prepped me for surgery and my parents arrived a few minutes before I went to the operating room. During the surgery I was lethargic and exhausted. I felt pressure but it didn't last long. Ellen Catherine was born at 10:51 p.m. When they laid Ellen on my chest I didn't feel like I had the strength to support her. I felt so weak. I thought she was going to roll off me! While they were finishing the surgery, after they cleaned and wrapped Ellen up, Phillip held her and the nurses took pictures for us (that is when I briefly held her). Phillip walked her down to the nursery and watched her get measured and weighed and all that other good stuff I unfortunately missed. My parents were able to watch through the window. Once I got back in a room, I talked to my parents for a while. Phillip went home around 2:00 a.m. to tend the dogs and my dad shortly followed. My mom stayed with me at the hospital. Ellen was brought to me some time in the early morning and I got to really see and hold her for the first time. It was surreal.

The hospital wasn't bad. I liked the food. I had several visitors. I was well cared for by the nurses and by my Mom. But I missed Phillip terribly. It seemed practical for him to work since Mom was with me, but I needed him and wished he had been there too. The worst part was trying to breast feed. One of the lactation consultants was not very encouraging, to say the least. Long story short, I ended up not breast feeding but pumped for 6 weeks. I didn't make enough milk for all of her feedings so she was eating both breast milk and formula for the first 6 weeks. She liked the breast milk so much better than the formula but formula ended up being the best choice for us. It was a hard decision.

I was discharged from the hospital on Friday afternoon. My doctor asked if I wanted to stay another night, but since I had plenty of helping hands, we decided to go home. Speaking of help, I am so thankful my parents were here. I can't even begin to describe all that they did for us.

The next few weeks were kind of a blur. My Dad went back to North Carolina and my mom stayed in Tennessee with us. Phillip was working. Breast feeding was stressful. I was pumping. I was exhausted. My car broke down. My hormones were going crazy and I think I was too. And then on September 10th, my Grandfather died (one day after his birthday). My mom ended up going back to North Carolina early. It was just a very hard time. We stayed busy the next few weeks. Phillip's mom and Grandmother came to visit, I went home for 2 weeks in October, we went to David and Crystal's wedding and Dad and I went to West Virginia for a couple of days so my Grandmother and other family there could see Ellen. Andrea, Caleb and Ashling came to visit us. My maternity leave went by so quickly.

I went back to work when Ellen was 7 weeks old. So difficult to leave her! I was a zombie but I went to work every day and somehow survived on very little sleep. Phillip did the same. I must say that putting Ellen on a good feeding schedule from the very beginning, thank you Andrea, made life easier. Daycare followed our same routine and we worked with them when we needed to change things based on her needs. Ellen had a wonderful teacher, Mrs. Finch. She called Ellen "little mama" and took great care of her. Unfortunately, she moved to Alabama (due to her husband's job) right when Ellen turned one. Even though Ellen was moving into a new class and Mrs. Finch would not have been her teacher, we really hated to see her go. We knew she would have continued to watch out for Ellen if she had not had to move. We are still very pleased with our daycare and the teachers Ellen has had. She is loved and that gives me the strength to drop her off there every morning.

The first year was so hard! It's not that we weren't happy and completely in love with Ellen - we were - it was the daily routine that was tough for us. As the Tracy Chapman song says, "A woman's work is never done." And don't get me started on the bottles! Thank goodness for my sweet husband. Phillip was a great support, and still is. We are a good team (most of the time). We have our ups and downs but we always work together. Phillip is a very involved father. One big thing that I am so grateful for, he did a lot of the late night/early morning feedings and that helped me tremendously. I literally could not get out of bed sometimes during the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Once Ellen was sleeping through the night consistently (maybe at 3 months?) our quality of life improved dramatically.

God provided for us all along the way. He gave us an amazing daughter. We are very thankful.

There is so much more to say, but I think I will just add to this from time to time.